I was going to continue my “mom” series today by doing a synopsis of the second trimester (if you didn’t catch the first trimester, just see the post before this one), but I caught some feelings I need to get off my engorged chest. Also, I’m procrastinating writing a letter of appreciation about someone awesome that I don’t want to sound disingenuous, so I’m taking frequent breaks.
To the mind chamber!
As of tomorrow I’ll be 39 weeks pregnant. Awesome. At this point last pregnancy I was doing all the voodoo to induce labor (and he still wouldn’t show up for 2 more weeks). This time? I’m doing everything I can do to stop/discourage labor, as Matt isn’t due home till May 2nd. Oh how funny that we’ve come full circle!
(Warning: Paragraph may contain TMI. Skip to the safety parenthesis if you’re anti-vagina)At my last appointment I was slightly freaked out at the ease of which my midwife was able to check my cervix. You see, my cervix is like the rabbit hole Alice fell down, in the sense that it’s up high and far back, which isn’t like her rabbit hole at all, but I’m sure it has tea & cake ready for those who enter. Because it’s a lady. So usually a cervix check involves the checker having to remove their watch because my lady garden may eat it. I also usually wince with discomfort at this part, since I’m not exactly used to being fisted. Last Thursday my midwife was easily able to check my cervix and I still saw his wrist. AND I was calmly talking/joking with him and the nurse while he was doing it with NO WINCING AT ALL OMG. This means my cervix has dropped already. Fantastic for when labor starts (it took a bagillion hours with Asher to get that debutante to the ball), but not so great if you’re looking to avoid labor for a week.
Current stats: Dilated 2cm, 50% effaced, baby/cervix at -1 station (aka falling out). All AWESOME if you were looking to start this labor party soon, but a tad scary if you’re looking to keep your legs closed and hold a piece of aspirin between them. Did I mention my midwife could touch the baby’s head? Cause he could.
(Safety Parentheses aka vagina free from here on out)
As a result, I’ve restricted myself to bedrest, baths, and headstands until Matt is home. This means that Asher now spends 90% of the day with Poppie. I’m having horrible mommy guilt over it. Logically speaking, though, my son isn’t suffering at all. In fact, he’s being spoiled rotten. Sure, he’s watching a little more TV than I’d like, but it’s not like he’s turning savage. With his Poppie, Asher gets to go to the park daily, reads books, plays with bubbles and his red car, and gets lots of bananas. (Seriously, my kid is a freak for bananas). They’re getting special time together that I got with my grandfather as a kid and treasure always. I’m happy for that.
I just feel guilty because I know I only have days left to spend with just me and Asher. Soon he won’t be the “only”. Soon I’ll have to balance meeting the needs of two tiny humans and still making special time for him. I love that now I have the luxury of holding him at night when he wakes from a nightmare and helping fight them away by rocking him and caressing his hair. I love my little snuggle man. Will I still get this special time after Ladybug comes? Will he hate me for a while? Will he still occasionally crawl into my lap and get so comfy reading a story with me that he falls asleep?
I guess it’s normal to worry about screwing up your older kid when having a second one. It’s all unknown. I’m just trying to sort out how to show Asher he’s still just as loved, even with his baby sister around. And even moreso-I’m trying to find ways to spend time with him in our final days together before his sister joins the clan.
Mama guilt, it’s more powerful than Catholic guilt.
All I really can do is snuggle Asher as much as possible until Ladybug gets here, then find a way to still get that special time (even though I’ll be zombiefied like woah). Any tips from those of you who have ventured into the two-kids-or-more territory and survived without them stabbing you in your sleep?
(Next post will be on the 2nd trimester, I promise!!)