When being a military spouse isn’t so grand…

Behold, your once-every-three-months-update!

I’m 35.5 weeks pregnant. Matt is currently away training. He’s due back 5 days before my due date.
Hence this post. Note: this post is meant to be a therapeutic vent-session, so please do pardon the mess. In fact, I hesitated on publishing it because it’s so personal. But screw it, it’s my personal blog and I should get personal, shouldn’t I?

One of the things I truly hate about when my spouse is away for duty is feeling like I can’t quite tell him everything that’s going on at home. I tell him the facts, but feel I have to minimize the depth of everything to keep him from worrying (seeing as he’s not going to be able to do anything about it, anyway). It’s frustrating.

The three examples of late:
Facts-I-Tell-My-Husband: Asher is getting his molars and incisors in. Seems not-so-fun. Also, he’s having nightmares again, but I’m able to calm him relatively quickly.
Actually Happening: Asher screams from pain for about an hour total a day. I’m having mommy guilt about having to give him ibuprofen as the hyland’s tablets work, but aren’t working well enough. Those nightmares? They’re Asher waking up screaming and bawling while saying “dada dada” and looking around for Matt when I come in to soothe him. This has probably been the hardest part of this separation, as Asher is now old enough to know daddy isn’t here, but too young to understand why. I hate that. And I know Matt misses Asher just as badly. (SOON, though, he’ll be back!)

Facts-I-Tell-My-Husband: Baby girl (have I mentioned that it’s a girl yet on this blog?) has dropped into my pelvis and is currently at Birth Station Zero on my cervix. Basically, whenever I start dilating, she’ll be ready to pop out, which should make for a not-as-long labor. Also, my pubic symphysis (the cartilage between your pelvic bones that separates for birth) is loose, causing my hips to be open & why little lady is so far down already.
Actually Happening: Holy shit am I in constant discomfort. Sometimes when I lean forward to pick up something/talk to Asher/bend to go pee, I feel like the baby’s head is literally about to start descending into the canal and come out. I feel her on my cervix. I can’t sit up for too long before everything hurts so bad I want to cry. I have to take constant breaks throughout the day and lay down to keep the pressure off. I live in my bathtub at night, as it’s the only way I can relax my muscles enough to sleep more than an hour at a time. I feel like I have to walk like a Geisha with a marble between my ass cheeks to keep my hips from feeling like they’re going to fall apart. It’s 100% not comfortable. I hate that I can’t play with Asher all day like I used to and that my father has to do so much on my behalf. I just want as much snuggle/play time with Asher as possible before our family expands!

Facts-I-Tell-My-Husband: If I go into labor early and Matt doesn’t make it, it’ll be ok. It’s out of our control anyway.
Actually Happening:  While the facts above are true, I’m a bit of an emotional sack over it. There is nothing we can do to change what’s up. I have hired doulas (which I would’ve anyway, even if he were here, because they can make all the difference!) and have made preparations as if he will not be here. That doesn’t change the fact that I miss my best friend & biggest supporter. My last birth he was a total rock star. I’m serious. He was involved and supportive every step of the way. He was an advocate that helped express my desires when I couldn’t for myself. Not once did I have to worry about him. Not once was he some scared dad in the corner saying “well the doctor said…” or freaking out over every change suggested by a doc. He asked questions every time a doc suggested something not in our original plan and was not going to let us just get played by a doc. My man was a damn rock star. Matt caught Asher. That simple memory of him being the person to remove Asher from me and greet him into this world is the single most beautiful moment of my life. Imagining him not here with me to welcome our daughter is so hard. Especially since we never thought we would have one (his family lineage is very male dominated). This has been so difficult to deal with. And I often feel guilt over these feelings because so many women birth without their partners every day. I feel selfish for being so damn emotional about it.

I’m attempting to be as positive as I can be throughout these challenges. It’s difficult, but I’m managing. I’m thankful that my father is here helping, because I’d be in a whole other heap of doodiecaca without him! Mostly I’m just praying, practicing positive birth visualizations, and focusing on what I CAN control.

Current mantra: Let it Go.
Seriously, I can’t control the above things, and telling Matt the full weight of it will only make his focus distracted. He’s doing so well out there and I need him to excel and come back to us relaxed. I’ve gotta focus on resting as much as possible to keep the little lady in place and let go of my own stresses.

I’m finding through talking to others that I am not alone in my frustration, as other military spouses go through this “having to minimize the homefront” aspect as well. It’s just a burden we carry as “part of the job”.

Honestly? Writing all this helped a lot. So thanks.
Till next time…(and I swear to johngeorgepaulandringo the next time won’t be so dramatic)


6 thoughts on “When being a military spouse isn’t so grand…

  1. Lance says:

    Thanks for sharing Tori. Best wishes on the end of your pregnancy. I can’t wait to read about her entry into this world.

  2. I so wish I could be there to be your doula!! Here’s hoping that Matt will make it home in time!! This military wife thing can be great, but it can also be very hard! I have often done exactly what you are doing because telling the truth won’t change anything!! I guess that is why we have each other! I will be thinking about you, Matt, Asher, and baby girl!!!

    1. Carnley, you would be a super awesome extra wonderful doula! I think you’d like Alyssa a lot, she’s so passionate and knowledgeable and a fun person. Basically, she’s right up our alley. 🙂

      You’re totally spot on about how important community is to the spouses. Without it, I think there would be a lot fewer active duty personnel. Community of all types gets us through!

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