A New Dawn

I know I normally write observations of my life from a wildly witty, smart, quippy sense of humor, but today is not one of those posts. After being inspired by Jeniffer and Melissa of http://sistersncloth.com/ and their “Remembering Our Babies” week, I have decided to share the story of my first pregnancy.

This is meant to be therapeutic for me, so come back next post for the funny-hahas if you so desire.

6 years ago, on Oct 10 2005, I was scheduled to have my first sonogram. It was a Monday. I had my first OB visit the Friday prior, and everything was looking great! My then fiancé, later ex-husband, Danny, took me to our sonogram appointment. We had been engaged for 4 months before finding out we were expecting, which was a huge shock since I was on the pill. After the initial freak out, we became excited at the idea of becoming parents, even with the less-than-ideal timing in our relationship.

That Monday morning, we arrived at the radiologist’s office. It was a very early appointment so I wouldn’t be late to work that day. I was 9wks along. As I stared at the screen in front of me, we could see the little baby in my belly. The sonographer was pointing out the head/bum and then suddenly got quiet. She then switched to a trans-vaginal sonogram. Danny and I knew something was wrong, but the girl couldn’t say anything.

She left the room to go get whoever COULD say something. I didn’t move. She returned with a doctor-type person, who explained there was no heartbeat.

I had miscarried.

I couldn’t talk. Just stared in shock. I was 20, surely I was healthy enough to have a kid? Neither of us had health histories that would suggest miscarriage. I had no symptoms of miscarriage, could they be wrong?

The doctor-type left us, but the sonographer stayed behind. She explained that she had 2 miscarriages prior to having her first child, and then one more before her second child. Sometimes it just happens. I asked her questions, to which she answered personally. I’m so thankful we had her that day, because she helped tremendously.

I called my boss to explain I wouldn’t be in and got an earful. I told her about the miscarriage and still got no sympathy. I truly don’t understand how some employers cannot see their employees as anything other than drones. My sonographer saw me upset by this and called my boss and explained a few things in only the way a woman standing up for another woman can.

Seriously, that woman was my angel that day.

The rest of the day was a blur. I cried, but without feeling (I know this probably makes no sense, but it’s the best way I can describe it). We saw my OB, who explained that a miscarriage happens in 1 out of 5 pregnancies (a fact that is far too little known) and that sometimes a miscarriage in the first pregnancy is my body’s way of “cleaning the pipes” (he actually said that. crude, right?) and suggested I schedule my D&C for that day.

I think this is when it all caught up to me, because I started hyperventilating. I’m still in shock that the baby is no longer alive. I’m terrified of doctors. Outside of my wisdom teeth extraction, I’ve never had a procedure performed on me. Did I really just lose my baby? What’s happening?!

I opted for a D&C that Wednesday, to give me some time to come to terms with everything.

By Wednesday, Oct 12th, I was ready. I felt like a walking tomb. I had become at peace with the passing, but needed this step to happen so I could begin healing. That morning was a blur. I was checked in at an out-patient facility, given an IV of something ridiculously awesome as they wheeled me into the room *(apparently I said “what’s the street name for this stuff” rather loudly as I was being wheeled around the corner…my mom heard me. oops. But truly, that stuff made me not have a care in the world), being asked to help the nurses get me on the procedure table, and then…blackout. I woke up and asked for apple juice and crackers.

Next thing I know, I’m home. And the healing begins.

All tests showed that the miscarriage was a normal, spontaneous miscarriage. Later, I had a dream about a little girl calling me mommy. I like to think that was my child letting me know everything was ok. We named her Aurora and said our goodbyes.

The months following the miscarriage were difficult: I was envious of anyone successfully carrying a child, felt the need to warn anyone announcing their pregnancy as soon as the stick turned blue, feeling at fault, feeling relief to a certain extent (I was 20, after all), but mostly…just sad.

What helped? Friends. Family. And a little baby named Ruby. She’s the niece of my former husband. I was playing with her one day and she made me laugh pretty hard. In that moment, everything was ok again. Strange, I know, but that’s what did it.

My life has changed leaps and bounds from that week. I think the experience changed a lot of how I look at the world. Since then, I’ve been married and divorced, and now remarried. Matt and I welcomed our son, Asher, into the world last year, and I was terrified the entire first trimester of a miscarriage.

I still think of Aurora often. Especially in October, especially this week. Because of her, I think I’m a better mom to Asher. I constantly thank God for the blessing of this child in my life. A blessing that I wouldn’t appreciate the same way, had it not been for my first pregnancy.

Life is interesting in that way, I think. You’re hit with the unexpected to strengthen you for things down the road, to give you more perspective. For this, I am grateful.

If you got this far…thanks. It’s nice to be in a place where I can finally openly talk about it. 🙂

Until next time, y’all.


4 thoughts on “A New Dawn

  1. I’m so glad you were able to share your story, and I’m so sorry for your loss. Finding out during the ultrasound had to be awful, but its so great that you had a wonderful sonographer who had been there!

    Thank you for sharing Aurora with us. Such a beautiful name. I’m honored to be able to remember her with you!


  2. Phishintrip007 says:

    Wow! What a story. So much I can relate to in there even though you had a miscarriage and just went thru multiple iterations of fertility treatments. Thankyou for blogging this.

    1. Thank you for sharing your own struggles with us (and sweet little C!!!). I truly believe that it all works out in the end how it’s supposed to. And somehow, I think maybe our experiences have made us better parents. I know I appreciate Asher a heck of a lot more!


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