First, a word of caution:
If you are a parent, you are already fully aware that you can discuss fecal matter of all types at any time of the day without hesitation or the slightest twinge of nerve. If you are not a parent…well…you may find this post odd (or more odd than usual). But I swear the whole thing isn’t about defecation. Possibly.
So Asher has had diarrhea for the past 3 days with minimal improvement with zero signs of dehydration. His activity level is normal, though he’s a little on the cranky side, and he keeps clawing at the inside of his gums. Upon advice from my sister in law, I called our pediatrician’s after hours service, just to rule out that this is his first-year molars making their way in. Mind you, this is my first time having to call this thing. The following is not exaggerated at all.
DrOffice: Hello. you have reached the automated after-hours system of…
DO: You requested…Pediatric Diabetes. Is this correct?
DO: Please say what your call is…
::I then pop Asher onto the boob to quiet him::
DO: You requested…Flu Vacci..
DO: I’m sorry, we don’t have anything in our records that matches that. Please say…
Me: Pediatric Diarrhea!
DO: I’m sorry, we don’t have anything in our records that matches…
DO: I’m sorry, we…
DO: I’m sorr..
Me: REAL LIVE HUMAN PERSON PLEASE
DO: I’m sorry, we don’t have anything in our records that matches that. Please say one or two words to describe the problem you are having
Me: Fuck You
DO: Would you like to leave a message for a nurse to call you back?
Me: Oh HOSANNAH! Yes, please!!
And that, my friends, is why a pediatrics office should NEVER have anything other than a standard answering machine service. And that the machines may be able to tell when we’re angry now, which is one step closer to the Skynet self-aware prophesy fulfilling itself. BE AFRAID.